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My story. Something I'd like to make a reality

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Posted 3/10/18 , edited 3/10/18

Democraticsocialist09 wrote:

Your art is more stylish than realistic. Nothing wrong with that.

While feedback is fine, you should stop worrying so much on others' opinions and work on your self-confidence. .. you can't please everyone.



If I accept what I have, then I'm not improving to the point where I can finally say it is perfect.

You can please everyone, you just need to see what others want to see .

I have the most self confidence Why you would say I need to work on that, I don't know. I have more self confidence because I'm happy with the choices I'm finally making.

I laugh when nobody else is, and that's important. Finding perfection in your work is important, and others will find that to be something they need to see
Posted 3/12/18 , edited 3/12/18

Humms wrote:


Democraticsocialist09 wrote:

Your art is more stylish than realistic. Nothing wrong with that.

While feedback is fine, you should stop worrying so much on others' opinions and work on your self-confidence. .. you can't please everyone.



If I accept what I have, then I'm not improving to the point where I can finally say it is perfect.

You can please everyone, you just need to see what others want to see .

I have the most self confidence Why you would say I need to work on that, I don't know. I have more self confidence because I'm happy with the choices I'm finally making.

I laugh when nobody else is, and that's important. Finding perfection in your work is important, and others will find that to be something they need to see


So in other words what you are saying is you're just marketing stuff you think others want/like to turn a buck. Got it. Here I was thinking this came from within you but its just a rudimentary projection of your imagined audience's desires. You are very arrogant for your skill level an filled with vain fantasies of glory. Reading this I see this "Icarus" will take his wax wings and fly, fly towards the sun, damned be all that try in vain to suggest he get a new design.

I do hope you'll get better in time, no reason at all not to.
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Posted 3/12/18 , edited 3/12/18

Democraticsocialist09 wrote:


Humms wrote:


Democraticsocialist09 wrote:

Your art is more stylish than realistic. Nothing wrong with that.

While feedback is fine, you should stop worrying so much on others' opinions and work on your self-confidence. .. you can't please everyone.



If I accept what I have, then I'm not improving to the point where I can finally say it is perfect.

You can please everyone, you just need to see what others want to see .

I have the most self confidence Why you would say I need to work on that, I don't know. I have more self confidence because I'm happy with the choices I'm finally making.

I laugh when nobody else is, and that's important. Finding perfection in your work is important, and others will find that to be something they need to see


So in other words what you are saying is you're just marketing stuff you think others want/like to turn a buck. Got it. Here I was thinking this came from within you but its just a rudimentary projection of your imagined audience's desires. You are very arrogant for your skill level an filled with vain fantasies of glory. Reading this I see this "Icarus" will take his wax wings and fly, fly towards the sun, damned be all that try in vain to suggest he get a new design.

I do hope you'll get better in time, no reason at all not to.


What are you talking about?

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed doesn't help you get your point across, or maybe it's just me, but you need to calm down and actually listen to me this time. Maybe you're trying to be nice, but you need to listen to what I'm actually trying to do.

I'm doing this for myself, right now I need to perfect my work. I am very positive on my work, you don't see me trying to tell people to like it or share it. Sure maybe say something about it, go ahead I don't care. My art is shit, go ahead. My writing is shit, go ahead. I'm use to a lot of things being thrown at me, it makes no difference to me, because all I see is improvement. Call me arrogant, good, like I said before, at least I give a shit about what I'm passionate about. If that makes me an asshole so be it, you aren't going to pay me to sustain my life, just to eat and shelter myself everyday, being able to even get my ideas across the internet so people can simply look at it, I'm not begging, and I never will. I work a job so I can buy the things to improve my work.

If you think I'm oblivious to my own flaws, you need to seriously consider why I even started this journey 4 years ago. You don't know why I even started this story, and to assume I'm looking for greed, laughable. To see potential in my work, is that so selfish? You believe in what you do to one day reach out to others

You think it's easy to assume these things about me. You don't know those nights, crying because I thought something was so beautiful I had to write it, envision it. You don't know those countless hours putting my soul into my own work, ignoring people, being cold, distant, drawing from day to night some days.

It's easy to assume something about me . People desire something because they see potential in it, but you don't know the first thing about how much heart and passion I put into this story.

I'm insulted you even said this.

Think before you act sometimes, I thought that is why you even replied in the first place, or were you looking for a different answer?. I can tell you the moment I started writing this story, I can take you on a journey in my own reality, what I experienced in life. My life is another story all on it's own.

Child's play. If you want to speak to me, do so by coming back down to earth.


You wanted The real me, you're getting it right now.
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Posted 3/24/18 , edited 3/24/18

Humms wrote:Almost like she herself is trying to stay alive.


Oh?

I don't think that sentence came out like you wanted it to. You say that as if it is unusual for someone to be "trying to stay alive", which makes it come off as ridiculous.

I think you've been trying to inject a bit of an almost philosophical, airy tone into your writing, but it seems to often leave you with empty sentences that mean nothing. If you inject too much of that airy-ness into your writing, it leaves you with nothing but hot air. Don't forget to tether your writing to an understandable story thread and don't try to write all of your characters like Poet (from Baccano!. For those who don't read Baccano!, he tends to wax poetic in flowery prose which pisses off basically everyone he encounters). Your reader shouldn't be thinking "what?" after every line (unless you don't want them to read past page one). While pontification may be fun to write, it is much less fun to read.

As a note, while I quoted this newest passage, my comments apply to some of the others much more than this newest one. Just figured I'd clarify.
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Posted 3/24/18 , edited 3/25/18

sundin13 wrote:


Humms wrote:Almost like she herself is trying to stay alive.


Oh?

I don't think that sentence came out like you wanted it to. You say that as if it is unusual for someone to be "trying to stay alive", which makes it come off as ridiculous.

I think you've been trying to inject a bit of an almost philosophical, airy tone into your writing, but it seems to often leave you with empty sentences that mean nothing. If you inject too much of that airy-ness into your writing, it leaves you with nothing but hot air. Don't forget to tether your writing to an understandable story thread and don't try to write all of your characters like Poet (from Baccano!. For those who don't read Baccano!, he tends to wax poetic in flowery prose which pisses off basically everyone he encounters). Your reader shouldn't be thinking "what?" after every line (unless you don't want them to read past page one). While pontification may be fun to write, it is much less fun to read.

As a note, while I quoted this newest passage, my comments apply to some of the others much more than this newest one. Just figured I'd clarify.


What do you want from me? I'm curious

If you were paying attention, these are Memory fragments.

There are 3 as of now.

You don't understand what I meant by trying to stay alive, and I'm not going to spell it out for you, maybe if you actually read the whole thing you can start to get a grasp at why I even said that.


I don't know what to say really. Does my writing piss you off?


It's a good thing you don't have a clue. I don't even have to show people these parts of the story right now. If you can't understand it now, that's fine. I don't expect you to right now.


I'm sorry if this is difficult for you, or you are really just on a mission to nit pick everything, but I think this is beautiful. You are actually getting to see characters interact with one another.



I'm not going to sit here and explain everything, when I'm basically doing a small portion of that already


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Posted 3/24/18 , edited 3/24/18

Humms wrote:


sundin13 wrote:


Humms wrote:Almost like she herself is trying to stay alive.


Oh?

I don't think that sentence came out like you wanted it to. You say that as if it is unusual for someone to be "trying to stay alive", which makes it come off as ridiculous.

I think you've been trying to inject a bit of an almost philosophical, airy tone into your writing, but it seems to often leave you with empty sentences that mean nothing. If you inject too much of that airy-ness into your writing, it leaves you with nothing but hot air. Don't forget to tether your writing to an understandable story thread and don't try to write all of your characters like Poet (from Baccano!. For those who don't read Baccano!, he tends to wax poetic in flowery prose which pisses off basically everyone he encounters). Your reader shouldn't be thinking "what?" after every line (unless you don't want them to read past page one). While pontification may be fun to write, it is much less fun to read.

As a note, while I quoted this newest passage, my comments apply to some of the others much more than this newest one. Just figured I'd clarify.


What do you want from me? I'm curious

If you were paying attention, these are Memory fragments.

There are 3 as of now.

You don't understand what I meant by trying to stay alive, and I'm not going to spell it out for you, maybe if you actually read the whole thing you can start to get a grasp at why I even said that.

I don't know what to say really. Does my writing piss you off?

It's a good thing you don't have a clue. I don't even have to show people these parts of the story right now. If you can't understand it now, that's fine. I don't expect you to right now.

I'm sorry if this is difficult for you, or you are really just on a mission to nit pick everything, but I think this is beautiful. You are actually getting to see characters interact with one another.

I'm not going to sit here and explain everything, when I'm basically doing a small portion of that already


What do I want from you? I don't understand the question. Are you asking what I would like to see in your writing? If so, better structure, smoother prose, stronger and more active voice, and a stronger sense of heft and direction. If you are asking why I continue posting here, well, mostly because it is fun. I like critiquing things.

And I did read the whole snippet, or did you mean the whole story? Either way, it is fairly clumsy prose which doesn't seem to really make sense in the context of the paragraph:

"Covered in a cloud of smoke her body is suffocated. Almost like she herself is trying to stay alive."

So her body is suffocated in a way that evokes staying alive? I'm not sure I get the metaphor.

But in a larger context, my issue isn't with not understanding the story, it is about not understanding your prose. The sentence above was one example. Here is another:

"My dear, If I wished for this world to accept our rightful place, the living would cease to exist in time that would most certainly be taken from us by force"

The sentence works until about the point where you say "in time". Would the living cease to exist in time? What does that mean? To exist in time. And are the living existing in time that is taken? Is he saying that he would end all life to take his rightful place, but that the time that is taken from him by force is the time that others will not live in? So, is he saying that there won't be any people living inside the time that he is losing?

And she, apparently getting something out of that responds: "So you would take theirs by force?"

So she is saying "Because your time is being taken, you will take their time"? Or is she continuing the earlier train of thought and saying "so you would take their rightful place", which seems a little strange.

To that he says:

" It is your gentle spirit, and kind heart that will one day leave you...... All because of the Fate I have set out to achieve. Understand we are not alone in this world my Dear. This Life should be your greatest gift to all, but you only see me...."

This feels like a non-sequitur which loses the conversation thread and says something new, which makes sense, but not really in context.

Then there are the weird capitalizations. I'm not sure if you are trying to put emphasis on things or if you are talking about characters:

"Nothing truly stays safe in the hands of Humility"

Is he blaming Humility? Is this a person? If so, this is fine, but if not, that is very jarring. And if not, does that really make sense? How do things not stay safe in the hands of people who have basically universally good attributes like humility? Humility seems like it would do quite well at keeping things safe.

And lets jump to the next sentence:

"A life born to sustain Life must know their place"

Must it (or they?)? What does that mean? And what does that have to do with Humility? Those who are humble generally do "know their place". This seems to imply that bad things happened because people didn't know their place, but it just blamed Humility in the last sentence.

Basically, this all seems to be packed with non-sequiturs and sentences which struggle to find a consistent logical thread. I think you need to either rein in your prose a bit or do some more thinking about what you are trying to say and how you are saying it. Do what you will, but I don't think you will attract too many readers with that type of prose.
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Posted 3/25/18 , edited 7/4/18

sundin13 wrote:

What do I want from you? I don't understand the question. Are you asking what I would like to see in your writing? If so, better structure, smoother prose, stronger and more active voice, and a stronger sense of heft and direction. If you are asking why I continue posting here, well, mostly because it is fun. I like critiquing things.

And I did read the whole snippet, or did you mean the whole story? Either way, it is fairly clumsy prose which doesn't seem to really make sense in the context of the paragraph:

"Covered in a cloud of smoke her body is suffocated. Almost like she herself is trying to stay alive."

So her body is suffocated in a way that evokes staying alive? I'm not sure I get the metaphor.

But in a larger context, my issue isn't with not understanding the story, it is about not understanding your prose. The sentence above was one example. Here is another:

"My dear, If I wished for this world to accept our rightful place, the living would cease to exist in time that would most certainly be taken from us by force"

The sentence works until about the point where you say "in time". Would the living cease to exist in time? What does that mean? To exist in time. And are the living existing in time that is taken? Is he saying that he would end all life to take his rightful place, but that the time that is taken from him by force is the time that others will not live in? So, is he saying that there won't be any people living inside the time that he is losing?

And she, apparently getting something out of that responds: "So you would take theirs by force?"

So she is saying "Because your time is being taken, you will take their time"? Or is she continuing the earlier train of thought and saying "so you would take their rightful place", which seems a little strange.

To that he says:

" It is your gentle spirit, and kind heart that will one day leave you...... All because of the Fate I have set out to achieve. Understand we are not alone in this world my Dear. This Life should be your greatest gift to all, but you only see me...."

This feels like a non-sequitur which loses the conversation thread and says something new, which makes sense, but not really in context.

Then there are the weird capitalizations. I'm not sure if you are trying to put emphasis on things or if you are talking about characters:

"Nothing truly stays safe in the hands of Humility"

Is he blaming Humility? Is this a person? If so, this is fine, but if not, that is very jarring. And if not, does that really make sense? How do things not stay safe in the hands of people who have basically universally good attributes like humility? Humility seems like it would do quite well at keeping things safe.

And lets jump to the next sentence:

"A life born to sustain Life must know their place"

Must it (or they?)? What does that mean? And what does that have to do with Humility? Those who are humble generally do "know their place". This seems to imply that bad things happened because people didn't know their place, but it just blamed Humility in the last sentence.

Basically, this all seems to be packed with non-sequiturs and sentences which struggle to find a consistent logical thread. I think you need to either rein in your prose a bit or do some more thinking about what you are trying to say and how you are saying it. Do what you will, but I don't think you will attract too many readers with that type of prose.



She is fire, he is Air/Wind. Look at it from the actual process of how fire can maintain itself with proper air flow. If she isn't keeping herself burning with life, she won't be able to sustain that life. If a fire were to go out, we blow some air/oxygen on it. She is losing that flame to keep herself alive

If we drown ourselves in despair ( losing the will to keep that flame, we would soon be covered in smoke) Death


To accept his rightful place is to become complacent with the lives of others, to trust that they will handle the world around them, to trust that they would never have conflict to the point of
Of injustice. Humans would only do it for selfishness; for they have no power to contest the world around them, a force that would put an end to humanity without even defending themselves. An eternity spent without trying to take matters into your own hands, your rightful place will force the living to die all on their own. Proving your own injustice with the power to control your surroundings.

She sees the hypocrisy In his actions, but he creates his own fate

To take life, knowing life would already be taken in the long run, they begin to either lose hope in themselves, or the world itself, but if there is a chance they would find reason to deny that fact, we can create hope, power, and new found strength.

She is a kind and gentle soul, if you look at the drawing we see opposite colors she is holding. You will have to wait and understand that on your own

Humility. Understand, most characters are embodiments of elements in the human form. Water. Understand, probably one of the most important necessities .... She herself will neglect her true power in order to maintain her own ......


Again. I understand completely, my words might be hard to understand, but everything is going according to plan.

If I really wanted to, I can go through yunas entire struggle as a character, but why? Why be so up front? I can go through the entire struggle of any character from start to finish, but why do that when I can begin to tell a story.

I'm working on my art more than anything. These fragments should be considered a treat. It's part of the story but it mostly sending a message to prepare yourself for what is to come
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Posted 3/25/18 , edited 3/25/18

Humms wrote:

She is fire, he is Air/Wind. Look at it from the actual process of how fire can maintain itself with proper air flow. If she isn't keeping herself burning with life, she won't be able to sustain that life. If a fire were to go out, we blow some air/oxygen on it. She is losing that flame to keep herself alive

If we drown ourselves in despair ( losing the will to keep that flame, we would soon be covered in smoke) Death

-------------------

To accept his rightful place is to become complacent with the lives of others, to trust that they will handle the world around them, to trust that they would never have conflict to the point of
Of injustice. Humans would only do it for selfishness; for they have no power to contest the world around them, a force that would put an end to humanity without even defending themselves. An eternity spent without trying to take matters into your own hands, your rightful place will force the living to die all on their own. Proving your own injustice with the power to control your surroundings.

She sees the hypocrisy In his actions, but he creates his own fate

To take life, knowing life would already be taken in the long run, they begin to either lose hope in themselves, or the world itself, but if there is a chance they would find reason to deny that fact, we can create hope, power, and new found strength.

She is a kind and gentle soul, if you look at the drawing we see opposite colors she is holding. You will have to wait and understand that on your own

Humility. Understand, most characters are embodiments of elements in the human form. Water. Understand, probably one of the most important necessities .... She herself will neglect her true power in order to maintain her own ......


Again. I understand completely, my words might be hard to understand, but everything is going according to plan.

If I really wanted to, I can go through yunas entire struggle as a character, but why? Why be so up front? I can go through the entire struggle of any character from start to finish, but why do that when I can begin to tell a story.

I'm working on my art more than anything. These fragments should be considered a treat. It's part of the story but it mostly sending a message to prepare yourself for what is to come


So then the metaphor of suffocating like one who is trying to live makes even less sense because suffocating for a fire also equates to death. You seem to be comparing two opposite states. And it sounds like you are saying she is losing the will to live, so to assert that she is trying to stay alive here sounds counterproductive.

Also, it is somewhat confusing to use the phrasing "cloud of smoke" alongside a character who creates storms. That implies that this cloud is his doing, and from what you just said, I don't think you meant it to be that way.


Again, I am not asking you to explain your story, I am asking for you to explain your prose. You do a lot of explaining the story here, but very little explaining the prose. I know now somewhat what you were trying to say, but I don't have any clearer of an idea of what you actually said, or why you said it that way.
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Posted 7/5/18 , edited 7/6/18
I just looked at the pictures... not the best, but better then mine, props to you for putting your art out there, story telling and drawing...

it aint perfect, but i love it anyway ... i just felt the need to drop some love, the comments are getting a little preachy. I'm sure you don't need

me telling you, but keep your head up, don't focus too much on the criticisms to the point where you feel like you're not writing or

drawing what you want anymore. Its important to grow, but its also important to learn, grow and live. I liked it, for what it was and would love to

see what you come up with a year or two from now.

- Shiney
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Posted 7/5/18 , edited 7/6/18

xShineyThighx wrote:

I just looked at the pictures... not the best, but better then mine, props to you for putting your art out there, story telling and drawing...

it aint perfect, but i love it anyway ... i just felt the need to drop some love, the comments are getting a little preachy. I'm sure you don't need

me telling you, but keep your head up, don't focus too much on the criticisms to the point where you feel like you're not writing or

drawing what you want anymore. Its important to grow, but its also important to learn, grow and live. I liked it, for what it was and would love to

see what you come up with a year or two from now.

- Shiney



I'm sure a 5 year old Japanese child could do better

I know. I don't need to be reminded

Look I get that you're just stopping by, I'm not going to chew you out for that.

But to feel sorry for me? Don't do that, it may not seem that way to you, but it does to me.

I have a vision. But then I forgot I have to go to work tomorrow in the humidity and heat and just want to sleep all day just to wake up and do it again

I don't give up. I want people to see my work as amazing, and that's what I'll do you'll see what I come up with
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Posted 12/11/18 , edited 12/12/18
Quick comment because it has been a while:

"Taking a break to admire the view in front of her; she notices a chicken following her."

First of all, a comma would more than suffice in this sentence.

But more importantly, one very important step to improving writing quality is getting rid of filter words.

Examples include: Saw, heard and noticed (or "notices" if you are writing in the present tense).

Basically, filter words are poisoning your writing by making it feel impersonal. It takes a step back from the action and makes it feel like the reader is being told information instead of experiencing the story. Rewriting that sentence by letting the reader experience the moment when she notices the chicken would improve this sentence significantly.

Overall, I think your writing needs to move away from simply "providing information" into presenting the reader with the details necessary to get them to feel what is happening, not just understand it.

Google "Filter words" if you want more information.
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Posted 12/12/18 , edited 12/12/18

sundin13 wrote:

Quick comment because it has been a while:

"Taking a break to admire the view in front of her; she notices a chicken following her."

First of all, a comma would more than suffice in this sentence.

But more importantly, one very important step to improving writing quality is getting rid of filter words.

Examples include: Saw, heard and noticed (or "notices" if you are writing in the present tense).

Basically, filter words are poisoning your writing by making it feel impersonal. It takes a step back from the action and makes it feel like the reader is being told information instead of experiencing the story. Rewriting that sentence by letting the reader experience the moment when she notices the chicken would improve this sentence significantly.

Overall, I think your writing needs to move away from simply "providing information" into presenting the reader with the details necessary to get them to feel what is happening, not just understand it.

Google "Filter words" if you want more information.


Oh, it would suffice

Ok

You can write for me then.

How much do you want? Isnt that how this works? Money inspires people?

Thank you for criticising the first line I wrote. It really gives me a great idea on scraping that entire scene I wrote; thank you, again

How much do you need? She picked up a chicken, some typical banter, and speaking from the heart.

But I guess nothings ever good enough for you afterall. Thats why ill never be successful in what i do.

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Posted 12/12/18 , edited 12/13/18

Humms wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

Quick comment because it has been a while:

"Taking a break to admire the view in front of her; she notices a chicken following her."

First of all, a comma would more than suffice in this sentence.

But more importantly, one very important step to improving writing quality is getting rid of filter words.

Examples include: Saw, heard and noticed (or "notices" if you are writing in the present tense).

Basically, filter words are poisoning your writing by making it feel impersonal. It takes a step back from the action and makes it feel like the reader is being told information instead of experiencing the story. Rewriting that sentence by letting the reader experience the moment when she notices the chicken would improve this sentence significantly.

Overall, I think your writing needs to move away from simply "providing information" into presenting the reader with the details necessary to get them to feel what is happening, not just understand it.

Google "Filter words" if you want more information.


Oh, it would suffice

Ok

You can write for me then.

How much do you want? Isnt that how this works? Money inspires people?

Thank you for criticising the first line I wrote. It really gives me a great idea on scraping that entire scene I wrote; thank you, again

How much do you need? She picked up a chicken, some typical banter, and speaking from the heart.

But I guess nothings ever good enough for you afterall. Thats why ill never be successful in what i do.



Yeesh...I feel like that was quite possibly the least personal feedback I could have given and you still seemed to have taken it incredibly personally.

That said, my feedback wasn't so much saying "you should rewrite this one line" as much as a quick and easy "Doing this one simple trick will improve your writing in just FIVE minutes" (but not a scam). Its something that I tell a lot of people whose stories I have read on here, because it does make a big difference. A lot of writers prioritize the "what" over the "how" (something that I still struggle with constantly) and I think removing filter words is an easy step to take to make things a little more personal and give it some literary flair.

As with all my posts, you don't have to take my advice, but I enjoy critiquing art so I doubt I will really stop giving you feedback as long as you keep posting.

If you would like me to write out a couple examples, I will, but I won't write them in the context of your story.
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I was just thinking of a new torture method, I just found it to be pretty interesting, sine this character is the ultimate depiction of real fear

It starts off with my OC Razza....Ok this is a creative process but anyways.

He would take one of his slaves with his razor sharp claws that embed into the skull; offering agonising pain to the human host, and since his claws do not penetrate through the human skull like normal claws, it is only the feeling. So being locked into place Razza uses his familiar to then rip out one of the eyes from their head, but not really ripping their actual eye out, it gives them the exact feeling and visual.

Now here's the real interesting part. The familiar (Bird) has the ability to replay the exact moment in the hosts mind over and over again; basically driving someone to the point of ultimate insanity and fear.

So there is no visual signs of torture, but an endless feeling of agony and fear while the host is completely intact and unharmed in any physical way

If you really think about it, that is the most efficient way, because in combination with the test subject, he is also showing others a demonstration of the effective ways of torture so that there is minimum resistance.

If razza gets his hands on you freely, you may as well lose all hope and sanity.

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