Today we continue to break down the finer points of surviving any bizarre adventure!
Hello folks, and welcome back to Why It Works. A couple of weeks ago, I debuted the first installment of JoJo’s Bizarre Survival Guide, offering just a few key guidelines for surviving your typically bizarre adventure. Unfortunately, it turns out that the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure universe is even more treacherous than I anticipated, and my advice was tragically insufficient. Since then, I’ve received complaints from readers who’ve had their faces melted by heat rays, arms turned into snakes, or otherwise suffered an array of debilitating and wholly preventable injuries, all because my words failed to properly equip them for the manifold dangers of living with Stands. I apologize for my negligence, and am here to set things right. Today let’s break down a second set of lessons for surviving bizarre adventures!
Never Travel Alone
More than “it’s probably just the wind,” more than “I’ll be right back,” more than “oh, it was only a cat,” do you know what phrase is most closely associated with imminent, inescapable death? “I’ll handle this.” Unless you’re actively courting disaster, never agree to handle anything without four or five rugged and diversely skilled associates, all of whom you would trust to either dismantle a bomb or console a baby. At any given time, any object in your immediate vicinity is liable to start talking, growing limbs, or transform into a frog—with companions beside you, you can quickly confirm whether you’re being attacked by a Stand, going crazy, or being attacked by a Stand that drives you crazy. There may not be total safety in numbers, but solidarity is pretty good too!
Don’t Agree to Any Suspicious Deals
You wouldn’t trust that weird guy in the alley with your credit card number, so why are you agreeing to battle him in a go-kart race? Many Stands activate the moment their bearer has entered into a competition, or trade, or even a particularly heated conversation, and avoiding these traps requires constant vigilance. Additionally, should the worst happen and a deal become inevitable, always make sure to clarify the terms of the agreement. I can’t tell you the number of times a traveling companion has assumed some trade will involve traditionally currency, only to find themselves losing their soul or being turned into a doll or otherwise rightly punished for their imprudence. Stay safe: avoid deals.
Confidence is Death
Do you want to see the statistics on how many Stand users have beaten their enemies to a pulp, only to be defeated once they learned being beaten to a pulp was exactly what their opponent was hoping for? They’re not pretty. Never assume a bizarre battle is going your way, and disabuse yourself of your certainty that defeated enemies are ever truly defeated. As all great warriors understand, the correct way to win a fight is to appear as if you’re losing for every single second until your final, triumphant victory, where you reveal that getting the stuffing kicked out of you was your plan all along. Remember, in bizarre battles, only the last laugh truly matters (though make sure to reattach your tongue first).
When In Doubt, Pose
There is little time for hesitation in the middle of a bizarre adventure, but there is always time for a dramatic pose. In this world, body language might be even more important than physical strength—those who are powerful flaunt it, and those who are powerless cower before them. But fortunately, strength and the dramatic poses that accompany it can be learned, and even those who start their bizarre adventures as victims can eventually discover the poses that were in their heart all along. Just as deadly predators often possess warning coloration, so too do deadly warriors possess signature poses—master that, and the rest will follow.
That’s it for now, though there are always more lessons to learn for surviving bizarre adventures. That, ultimately, is the most important lesson of all—expect the unexpected, and always be willing to discard your initial preconceptions. Invisible Stands, independent Stands, Stands that activate after their master’s death; all these and more could be lurking out there, waiting for an unwary traveler to assume that this chicken tender surely isn’t plotting to kill them. Be alert, be wary, and never assume your victory is assured. With preparation and vigilance, you too can survive a bizarre adventure!
Good luck to you all in your Stand battles, and please sound off any remaining key tips in the comments!
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